bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
