drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
