Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
