I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
