I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
