I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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