When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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