My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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