that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm bleeding and have questions
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
