my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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