I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
