OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
