Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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