brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
