if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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