just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
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