i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
