pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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