You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
