i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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