Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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