Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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