Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
