He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
