Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
