i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
