in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
