I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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