You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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