my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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