I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
