You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was like eating out sand paper
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
