If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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