i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
