just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
