I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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