Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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