Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
