im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
