I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
