whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
