I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
