for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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