She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
