I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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