i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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