The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
