I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
