I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
