Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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