I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
