I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
